Under Attack

I’ve been under attack for quite some time.  The devil has his hands in my life and I am desperately trying to get myself free.  It is becoming increasing difficult to remain cheerful and upbeat.

I didn’t get any sleep last night.  I just laid there (wait, is it lied there?  I’m too lazy to look it up).  Then I turned on television until I finally fell asleep.  I dreamt of the life I don’t have.  Foxy was there.  I was happy.  Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream.  So now I’m pissed again.

I got me and baby ready and was heading out the door.  I sat her down on the couch to grab her bottles from the fridge and that’s when I saw it.  Her bottles.  Sitting on the counter.

I left her fucking bottles sitting on the counter since 7 o’clock yesterday.  Wasted.  I have been working so hard to get my supply back up and have a good stash and I wasted all that milk.  I started sobbing in the middle of the kitchen. 

I quickly made three more bottles and took her to daycare.  When I walked in I must have looked kinda crazy because her teacher asked if I was okay.  Again, I started crying as I told her about the wasted milk. 

She grabbed me and hugged me hard and just started praying for me.  That’s the benefit of sending baby to a Christian environment.  Prayer warriors are on duty!

The rest of my morning was pretty shitty.  I put air in my tire and lost the black thingy.  I replaced one of the things I lost but not the other.  I still have work to do.

I’m at work.  I have tons to do.  Thankfully no one is here so I popped my earbuds in my ear and plan to just work hard and zone out.  Hopefully no one will talk to me.  Otherwise they might just catch me crying.

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28 Responses to Under Attack

  1. TheMrs says:

    Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications. In your faithfulness answer me, and in your righteousness. Psalm 143:1

    Lord, thank You for the mysteries that remind …us that You are in control and that we are deeply loved.

    Delurking to offer this prayer for you.

  2. Cyn says:

    Adding you to my prayer list.

  3. Sweetie, you are suffering from depression. I want you to realize that it is OK. I know the plantation offers help and I want you to take them up on it. I have been to a therapist before and I believe talking to a third party will help.

    And of course, you can’t stop praying. Never stop doing that.

  4. Gladys says:

    I wish I was there to cheer you up, Babsie! *Hugs* Just go home after work and start all over.

  5. dmac says:

    Agree with TIH. Been there, I know how overwhelming caring for a newborn can be, especially with your close family so far away. Talking ALL of your concerns out with a therapist can help because you can be completely honest without fear of judgement.

    I’m sending prayers and cyberhugs your way.

  6. AR Gal says:

    All I want to do right now is give you a hug….and I’m not really a hugger. Babs, if you keep this up you’re going to make me cry. And then I will have to fight you. j/k

    Praying for you.

  7. Lori F says:

    Wishing I could give you big squishy hugs so will send next best thing: lots & lots of prayers. I swear it’ll get better, just hang in there! Love you!

  8. maria says:

    Delurking to gently and seriously urge you to talk to someone professionally: it is amazing what a set amount of time for just focusing on YOU can do for a person: I speak from experience. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to Foxy to be the best Babs that you can possibly be; Hang in there.

  9. t. sheree says:

    I am praying for you. He feels your pain more deeply than you’ll ever know. *hugs*

  10. AR Gal says:

    Just came back to say WE LOVE YOU BABS!!!!!!!!

  11. Tiombe25 says:

    I will definitely be sending prayers up for you Babs.

  12. CreolePeach says:

    Babs, my heart is so heavy for you right now. And I agree with TIH. It wouldn’t hurt right now to just get it all out. Sending you hugs and prayers.

  13. Nerd Girl says:

    1. Praise Him. Now. Praise Him in the midst of your circumstance.
    2. You are not the only breastfeeding mother to cry over spilt milk! Been there done that, comes with the territory I do believe. So please don’t feel badly about that.
    3. Know that you are being prayed for, that you have the strength to carry on and that there is help available to you.

  14. ames says:

    Life can be unpretty at times or for extended periods of time.

    A good cry and moan never hurt anybody. I am praying for your relief and release.

  15. sherri says:

    Am I the only one that has cried because of wasted breast milk??? On multiple occasions?

    Ditto what Ames said.

  16. laughing808 says:

    I pray that things get better for you.

  17. Sasha says:

    Delurking to agree with the rest of the ladies’ comments. I don’t know what you’re going through but how you described it is exactly how I’ve been feeling for months. My friend suggested I see a therapist. After reading the ladies’ comments I’m going to look into it. I’ll pray for you and you do the same. I don’t know you but from reading your blog you’re an amazing woman and so pretty!

    Sasha

  18. keyalus says:

    Hugs!

    What NerdGirl and Sherri said. I know I cried when I spilled my little 3 oz of milk. A days worth of pumping only yielded 9 oz for me. That was worth tears!

  19. thougthsofsoutherngal says:

    (((HUGS)))

  20. amista says:

    Sending positive prayers, thoughts, and energy your way. You’re surrounded by plenty of prayer warriors. 🙂

  21. Jack says:

    As I try and think of something inspirational to say all I can think of is “this too shall pass” Knowing the stock you came from, I have no doubt that you will pull through this and will again find the happiness and peace you deserve! Foxy is lucky to have you as a mother and you a truly a very special person who left a great impression on me when we met. I will keep you in my thoughts.

  22. sundaze says:

    (((Hugs)))

    I urge you to go talk to a professional.

  23. Tsiporah says:

    Please do what everyone else has suggested and seek help. It really does make a difference. Believe me I know! Lots of hugs and prayers for you and Foxy!!

  24. Prayer and Therapy. I swear by it. Both saved me, along with the support and encouragement of those who truly care. Babs, we love you and truly want to you feel better. Postpatum depression is real and I am glad that you are willing to share what you are dealing with. You will get through this and be a blessing to another in the future, believe that. Women need to be more honest about the challenges WE ALL face at one time or another. Being able to express how you feel, be heard and understood is something that will help you heal. Resist the devil and he will flee ! Be encouraged & feel these cyperhugs that we are sending your way.

  25. Maz says:

    Delurking. Through it all, I can’t begin to express the ways in which you’ve motivated me. Sincerely hoping, believing, and knowing that joy in the morning..Sending positive thoughts and and offering up sincere prayers.

  26. claudia says:

    I am lifting your burdens up in Jesus name. You are a great mother and your challenges only prove that because all mothers know about the challenges you speak of…. Hang in there, pray, and keep on keepin on okay…You are doing a great job in life!!!!!! Take care and blessings.

  27. KJ says:

    Praying for you.

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