Fathers and Sons

I was talking to a coworker the other day about this random lady that we (sorta) know.  The coworker commented that the lady has two sons that live with their father.  She then muttered something about that letting us know what kind of woman she was.  I couldn’t cosign on that.

Honestly, I believe that if a man is a good father, he should have custody of his sons.  Let me clear, by “good father” I mean hard-working, keeps a clean home, active in the boys’ school and extracurriculars, cooks dinner, etc.  You know, all the stuff that the mothers typically do.  If a man is doing all of that and setting a good example in other areas, I think it would benefit the man-children.

Now, if he is trifling- can’t keep a job but can keep a bunch of girlfriends, doesn’t help with homework and thinks mickey dee’s is an acceptable dinner, then they are probably better off with their mothers.

My coworker vehemently disagreed with me.  She believes that children should live with, and be raised primarily by, their mothers no matter if they are boys or girls.

What do you think?

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29 Responses to Fathers and Sons

  1. Spring says:

    The greatest mother I ever met realized that being a mother wasn’t for her, and gave her son father full custody. She’s see him every other weekend. Contrary to popular belief all women are not mothers.

  2. coco327 says:

    I would tend to agree with you on this one at least once the child has reached a certain age (don’t quite know what that age is but I think a good/bad example would be Boyz in the Hood). As a parent I would think that you would want a son to grow up and be the best man possible. If his father is a good man then send him straight to daddy’s house. I would be afraid of coddling my son and creating a monster for some unfortunate woman to have to deal with (I have seen it happen).

  3. ondrea says:

    I agree with coco, once he reaches a certain age, I would want him to go to Dad to be taught how to be a man. The reason I think he should spend some years with Mom is because I have met men who hate women because they feel their mother did not want them. So they date you and treat you like crap to get back at her. So Mom needs to get her time in and then once he establishes the relationship he needs with her and knows she loves him, etc., etc. go to Dad to get his man on.

  4. K. Rock says:

    Agreed with above. Let Mom get hers in the early years when they need the nurturing and then give it up to dad. There is nothing wrong with that.

  5. Ms. Smart says:

    This co-worker just probably doesn’t value the role of fathers even if they are in the same home with the mother or she doesn’t trust them to do a good job. I think if the man can, he should take full custody at around 10. I have seen lots of them do it once the mother is unable to handle the son–around 12. I think it should be done before then.

  6. kim says:

    I don’t know. I think of course if mom isn’t capable. I admire any parent that willfully gives up their child, be it adoption, father or a more stable or suitable individual. Custody cases make me cringe. The fact that either parent has to “fight” for certain rights with their child hurts. In my opinion parents should be able to do that amicably. I can’t imagine having to give custody of any of my children to their dad. It certainly doesn’t help that at this minute I wish he would take a long walk off a short pier. I just hope that in any situation I, as well as any other parent would and could make the best decision for the child. For all we know that lady could be dying inside everyday, but she did what was best for her children.

  7. onefromphilly says:

    Children SHOULD be raised by both of their parents.

    Children should live with the stable parent who is the most able and willing to put in the time, energy, effort and love to raise a well balanced human being.

    • BK says:

      I agree with this here all day. in addition.. if they can’t be with both parents, and are with one parent, the other parent should still be allowed an active co-parenting role for the best interest of the child. If they choose NOT to be involved then that is a different story.

      As for your coworker.. doesn’t seem like she values the roles father’s play in children’s lives.. which is sad.

  8. CreolePeach says:

    While I agree that both parents play a role, I see nothing wrong with a father having custody. I have a very close friend who fought his ex-wife for a couple of years in court to have custody of his boys. He is in the top 5 men I know dedicated to his role as a father, and he ensured those boys grew up to be outstanding young men.

  9. I see nothing wrong with it. I know a woman who has 2 boys..ages 14 & 11. The boys have been living with her ex-husband (their father) for 2 years. Not because she couldn’t take care of them but because they (the parents) felt the boys needed that male presence in their life more than what they were receiving living in the mom’s house. She has them most weekends. They do a good job of co-parenting. It’s not like she’s not involved in their lives. She goes to school functions, etc. She even said they still have their own bedrooms in her house which she felt was important.

  10. naturallyk says:

    I think a father can take care of their child as well as a mother can. The styles are different but I think it can be done well. My best male friend has raised his daughter alone since she was 6 months old. She is now 11 and a sweet young lady.

  11. Ayana says:

    I agree – that a man is more capable of teaching a boy to be a man than a woman is. However, I have a 2 year old son and I could not IMAGINE not living with him. I miss that boy after 1 day at daycare. Maybe I am selfish – or delusional. But, I honestly feel like the connection between a mother and child is too strong to break.

    So, while father can teach him life lessons, I feel like I HAVE to live with him. Luckily, I am married to his father. So, I don’t have to worry about that. But if I didn’t – I would still fight for custody, but allow him to spend AMPLE time with his father.

    And maybe I will totally change my position when he turns 14.

  12. Nerd Girl says:

    I think that if a father is a good, willing father it is probably in the best interest of the son that he be raised – after a certain age – by his father. I don’t have a clue what that age is? Late elementary/middle school?

    Oh crap. McDonald’s is not acceptable???

  13. pserendipity says:

    I’ll be the first one to say, and have said before, that I can’t raise a boy to be a man. But I can’t get with the kids “should” live with either parent just because they are the same sex. What if the grandfather or an uncle did all the stuff that this great father should do. Should his mom ship off her kid to live with them just because he’s a man? And what is the age of the child when one parent becomes magically more acceptable than the other?

    I’ve never agreed with any of those sentiments, and I don’t think there can ever be an argument presented that would win me over to either side, especially after having a stepdaughter in that situation. Though she lived with her mother, there are some times she could have clearly benefited from the opposite situation. I just think it’s going to always be that way, no matter where the child primarily resides.

  14. ames says:

    I think men are generally acceptable as primary caregiver. I prefer to be primary caregiver for my own family.

    I think trifling fathers could do custody well because their lineup of women will keep them afloat. Women will come cook, help with homework, clean and play house. If the mother chooses trifling men, her lineup will make them sink. Trifling men just come and take food and the mom’s energy from the kid.

    As for the coworker, I would need to know if she lost physical and legal custody and the ages of her sons, before I print up my label.

  15. Sha Boogie says:

    I gotta rock with you on this one.. I firmly believe a (good) father needs to be a part of his sons life. He will shape and mold the son on how to be a ‘man’. A mom can raise her son… but show him how to be a (good) man? No.. can’t be done.

  16. Kena says:

    I wonder why the co-worker wasn’t insisting on children being raised by both parents.
    I say whomever can provide the safest stable home should raise the kids. I am seeing a lot (by a lot, I mean only 2 examples) of 50/50 custody situations where it is 1 week on and 1 week off. It seems to work for them.

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  18. nylse says:

    ideally both – since we know that each parent has characteristics that a child needs.
    However in the situation stated above – the child should live with the better parent. and if all things are equal (no trifling foolishness on either side) then pick a home and the other parent should be a constant presence in the child’s life.
    All mothers aren’t inherently good; a friend of mine told me the system is stacked against the fathers even though in their situation he was the better parent. There’s too many horror stories of overwhelmed single mothers losing it.

  19. Krissy says:

    If possible both parents need to share in the raising of children from conception. We all know that isn’t always the case. I agree with pserendipity, a woman can not teach a man to be a man. While I don’t think the child needs to live with the father full time unless that is your agreement, I do think that the child should spent a lot of extra quality time with the father especially when he is between 10-16( my own brother told me this). Those years are VERY important in shaping who that young man will turn into.

  20. Mrs. AKAtude says:

    I totally agree with you! I dated a guy that had full custody of his son and I applauded him for stepping up to the plate. In this case he needed to step up because of circumstances with the Mother, but I’m also inclined to think that men need to raise sons to teach them to be a man!

  21. keyalus says:

    I can’t see giving up custody of my son full time but I do think only a man can teach a man to be a man. But there are important things a boy can learn from his mother as well – BOTH are needed.

    If I found myself in some kind of messed up situation I would do my best to have some sort of 50/50 custody split. With the exception of dangerous lifestyle choices (like drugs) who is to judge who is the “most stable”? We *all* have negatives to our personality and we can think of ways we might do things differently from our partners.

  22. discodiva73 says:

    I hate custody cases too…but sometimes because of the relationship between the parents, I also see the value in having a document that outlines who is doing what/when.

    I think the father should have a very prominent role in any of their kids lives regardless of gender. How many women do we know with Daddy issues and thier mother had custody? How many men do we know that has been “coddled” by mom and isn’t “Manning” up to things? Both parents provide valuable insights, skills, thoughts, etc to the children. It takes both sexes to make kids, why do we think only one gender can raise them?

  23. Honest says:

    I have a friend who was raised by her father but her mom lived a few miles away. There are 4 kids in the family and the dad had custody of the eldest two while the mom had custody of the youngest two. Can’t remember exactly why they did it that way but they were ALWAYS at each other’s houses.

    Maybe your coworker just assumes men don’t want to raise children.

  24. dmcmillian72 says:

    Babs, I agree with you. If we’re talking about parents who aren’t married and thus have 2 households then any father who would take on this kind of responsibility for his sons is all right in my book.

    However, in this situation I would think that the ideal solution would be a 50-50 custody agreement. I think both sexes rearing the children (boys and girls) have invaluable things the children can gain from them. Girls, equally, would learn invaluable things by living with their fathers.

    I had to come out of lurkdom to co-sign this post. Now, on to read the comments. 🙂

  25. All I have to say is that a boy needs his Daddy. Now if that means he has to go live with him to learn that, then that’s what has to happen. Women can’t teach a boy to be a man. That’s all there is to it.

  26. laughing808 says:

    I’m inclined to agree with you that if the father is active and a responsible parent the he should rear the male should if the parents aren’t together. Kids have a tendency to mimic things they see others do and if a father is present and active that will have a positive affect on the future of male child.

  27. CaliSlim says:

    While women should always be commended for stepping up when our men don’t, I also believe a woman can’t raise a man. Which is why we have so many emotionally stunted men in this world to begin with. Both parents are needed in child raising, which is why we were equipped with different skills and temperments.

    I think a boy should be allowed to live with his father, even if he’s deemed “trifling.” Abuse, of course not, but “trifling” is subjective. How trifling was he when the woman decided to procreate with him? Naturally, the mother should also be in the picture when this happens as well. I think anytime you have too much influence from one parent and not the other, you do the child a disservice. It takes two to make em, it should take two to raise em.

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