No really, it was a dark and stormy night. What else could explain me in my jammies in my backyard looking for prowlers with a butcher knife in my hand? Wait, I’ve skipped ahead. Let me start from the beginning…
It was about 11pm. I had just finished wrapping a few gifts and watching a sappy Christmas movie. I turned off the television and snuggled into my down-alternative pillows. I fell asleep almost immediately. And almost immediately I heard my mom calling my name. She heard pounding on the side of the house and wanted me to come back downstairs and listen.
I slipped on my lounge pants and headed downstairs. She looked really worried. We sat on the couch for a couple of minutes and then I heard it. It sounded like pounding. But who would be pounding on the side of my house. I mean, if someone wanted to terrorize me, wouldn’t they pound on the windows and not the same spot on the side of the house?
My mom and I quickly ran down the list of possibilities of what it could be- a thug, a deer, random debris from my neighbor’s house or maybe the soccer ball I had left in the yard. I knew neither of us would sleep until we investigated, so we decided to check out. We need some artillery, so we gathered what we had.
Picture me in a nightgown, pajama bottoms, a satin scarf and sneakers whilst wielding a can of mace and a butcher knife. My mom was in her jammies and holding this lead statue I have. At first she admonished me for not having a baseball bat, but the weight of the statue gave her a little comfort. She’d have to get close to the assailant, but at least she could hurt him.
We grabbed my battery-operated lantern and headed outside. This is the part where I pray my neighbors weren’t peeking out the window at us, because we really did look quite ridiculous. The lantern was basically a spotlight on us. I was holding the knife like I was straight up about to stab somebody and there wasn’t a prowler in sight.
My mom wanted to circle the house, but I got spooked. All of the sudden I wanted back in the house. In my mind, someone was pounding on the door so they could lure us outside while someone else snuck in to take my baby. Yes, I watch too much Criminal Minds.
We scurried back inside and came to the only logical conclusion for the noise. The house was haunted. So we were sitting on the couch trying to figure out where I was going to move. Then I reasoned that perhaps the ghost was friendly. So I started talking to the ghost to let them know I was okay if they stayed as long left me and baby alone.
Oh, we haven’t even gotten to the crazy part yet.
So my mom decided she was going to bed. I suggested she sleep with me. She said it wasn’t necessary. I insisted she sleep with me. I needed my mommy!
Then we heard the noises again. I was scared. I was not going to be able to sleep ever. So I picked up the phone and called the police. I calmly explained that I was new to the neighborhood and was scared and wanted an officer to come out and investigate.
I went upstairs to slip on a bra and more suitable clothing because, keeping it real, Atlanta police officers are more often than not on the handsome side and momma didn’t raise no homely-lookin chick. I’m always at the ready!
I decided to turn off the tv and speakers and I heard the noise BOOMING. And that’s when I figured out what the noise was. My mom, against my earlier request, had placed her phone on top of the speaker to charge it. The booming noise we were hearing was the interference from the phone. I have a subwoofer attached to my tv, so the interference caused it to boom.
I called the police back. Wait, first I tried to choke my momma for scaring the shit out of me, then I called the police back to tell them they didn’t have to come. Too late. Officer Friendly pulled up moments later.
I sheepishly walked out to his car to let him know everything was okay and what the cause of the noise was. He gave me some tips on the neighborhood and safety and was on his way. And, yes, he was cute!
Next time I hear a “prowler” I’m slipping on some heels and do-me jeans.